Saturday, August 27, 2005

Unhappily walking down memory lane

I decided if this was my blog, it was going to be an honest one. Which means when I write, it should go here. I wrote tonight, while at church. I even missed part of the sermon, because the need to write was so very strong. I couldn't ignore it.

Church is actually what started my little crisis. It starts with a program that my church is going to run. It's called Life Hurts, God Heals. It's for teens who are addicted to anything, who are depressed, suicidal, cutter, antisocial, etc. I felt God directing me to apply to be a co-leader. Yes, it's an application. A form to fill out, references to give, interviews to be had. They want healthy (spiritually) adults to help the kids, but to help you have to truly understand, and to truly understand, you have to have gone thru' it and be willing to talk about it.

So, ever since I filled out the application on Monday, thru' the phone interview on Friday night, I have been reliving my painful youth. Tripping, literally, down memory lane. And it hurts to remember. It is exhausting: physically, emotionally, and mentally, to the point where I'd like to sleep about 22 hours every day.

I have been listening to an album by Superchick, a christian rock band. The album is called Beauty from pain. The title song is about someone who is in so much pain that they can hardly stand it. And their realization that God can bring beauty from that pain. It is an absolutely beautiful, moving, awesome, song.

Anyway, thinking of my teen years, listening to that song, hoping I get accepted and can help others are going thru what I did, and knowing that I will have to talk about it, is all a bit stressful.

In case anyone is wondering, my issue was severe depression, no self-esteem and a desire to go home (to my real home, in heaven) God made sure I understood that I had to wait, maybe a long time, before I could come home. And that's ok. He still has stuff for me to do here.

I am no longer the person I was as a teenager. I know who I am, a child of God, and I am pretty happy with who I am. Is there room for improvement? OF COURSE!!!!!!! But I like who I am. And I wouldn't change anything, because then I would be someone else.

God bless


Blogger Will said...

I like who you are too. ;-)

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