Thursday, February 02, 2006

This time of year

I will start out by saying that this rant I am about to write is a bit selfish, and self-centered, I know that, but I need to vent anyway.

I hate this time of year. From January to May is a very dangerous time. I dread the phone ringing at unexpected times, as it did this morning. It's never something good. It's always something sad.

This morning, my mom called to tell me that Aunt Linda's mom Marge died. Now, Linda is related by marriage, so Marge isn't related to me, but I did know her fairly well since she lived with Linda and Kevin and the kids for 16-17 years!! She was always there.

I am sad she is gone, I am sad for My Aunt Linda and the cousins (3) . But...and here comes the rant...I am PISSED at GOD.

I moved to my current town in 99. And almost every year since then, in the months from Jan to May, someone I know had DIED and each year I beg God to just please give me one year without someone dying, one year without pain. In April of 99, it was my Uncle Kevin (yes the one mentioned above). March 2000, my friend Jim, January 2001= Nana, (small gap here, it was in 2003, I started praying) March 2003= Poppop, April 2004, Officer Stephan and as a "bonus" Ann, my clerk for the first 2 years here, died in August 2004, January 2005 a four week old child of a friend of mine, and Feb 2006, Marge. I have lost 3 family members in the past 7 years, My Aunt and cousins 4 family members in the past 7 years.

I just need it to stop. I just need a break. I think God is misjudging what I can handle. Just a week and a half ago, I was thinking about this time of year, and hoping that I could make it to May without that terrible phone call. I am very angry.

And I know that they are in Heaven, and it's better. Yeah yeah yeah. BUT I AM MAD!!! I really just want to start smashing in windows and screaming. I want people to stop dying!

And maybe, just maybe, part of the anger is due to me being a bit jealous. I want to go home too. And God leaves me here.


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