rants

Everyone is aware of the disaster in Louisiana and Mississippi and Georgia, and I, along with many others, am praying for the survivors.

But I need to rant a little here. What the heck is wrong with people? There are many folks down there, who are wading in the water and going into WalMarts and other such stores and LOOTING. They aren't just taking necessities, which could be excused, but electronics etc. I heard that one guy took 42 tshirts, that is above and beyond a necessity. They are also arming themselves and I heard one report, although I can't remember from where, that they actually shot an officer rather than be arrested for looting.

As a prosecutor, I know that there are many evil people out there. And these folks are right up there. I personally am hoping that they all contract some awful non-life threatening, but extremely painful disease from wandering around in the polluted waters.

As if the folks hadn't gone thru enough, anything that MIGHT have survived the hurricane is getting jacked by creeps. Evil. As if the officers and rescue workers don't have some better things to do. They have to waste time chasing down these creeps. My mom says that looters that are caught can serve 15 years in prison, I say good, let them do every day of that 15 years. Send a message to anyone who has a similar idea in the next natural disaster. Just majorly wrong.

On a different note, but related. They were talking about the last major hurricane, Camille, to hit that area and how that was back in 1969, and I thought wow that was almost 40 years ago (thinking that is a nice long time to go between hurricanes) and then it hit me!! I was BORN in 1969, which means I am almost 40! When I turned 36 last month, the whole 40 thing wasn't even in my head, but now it is. I'm not sure I'm ready for 40. Just amazing, where did the years get to?

God bless

Unhappily walking down memory lane

I decided if this was my blog, it was going to be an honest one. Which means when I write, it should go here. I wrote tonight, while at church. I even missed part of the sermon, because the need to write was so very strong. I couldn't ignore it.

Church is actually what started my little crisis. It starts with a program that my church is going to run. It's called Life Hurts, God Heals. It's for teens who are addicted to anything, who are depressed, suicidal, cutter, antisocial, etc. I felt God directing me to apply to be a co-leader. Yes, it's an application. A form to fill out, references to give, interviews to be had. They want healthy (spiritually) adults to help the kids, but to help you have to truly understand, and to truly understand, you have to have gone thru' it and be willing to talk about it.

So, ever since I filled out the application on Monday, thru' the phone interview on Friday night, I have been reliving my painful youth. Tripping, literally, down memory lane. And it hurts to remember. It is exhausting: physically, emotionally, and mentally, to the point where I'd like to sleep about 22 hours every day.

I have been listening to an album by Superchick, a christian rock band. The album is called Beauty from pain. The title song is about someone who is in so much pain that they can hardly stand it. And their realization that God can bring beauty from that pain. It is an absolutely beautiful, moving, awesome, song. http://www.superchickonline.com/minisite/mini.php

Anyway, thinking of my teen years, listening to that song, hoping I get accepted and can help others are going thru what I did, and knowing that I will have to talk about it, is all a bit stressful.

In case anyone is wondering, my issue was severe depression, no self-esteem and a desire to go home (to my real home, in heaven) God made sure I understood that I had to wait, maybe a long time, before I could come home. And that's ok. He still has stuff for me to do here.

I am no longer the person I was as a teenager. I know who I am, a child of God, and I am pretty happy with who I am. Is there room for improvement? OF COURSE!!!!!!! But I like who I am. And I wouldn't change anything, because then I would be someone else.

God bless

Raining flowers

Today, as I am driving back to work from lunch, I am sitting in a left hand turn lane. There is a very tall moving type truck in front of me. On my left, in the median, are trees, with little flowers with reddish petals on them. The light turns green, the truck moves forward, brushing up against the tree branches, and little flowers and petals rain down on my windshield. It was very pretty and was a tiny bright moment in an otherwise unnoteworthy day. (at least so far) It made me smile.

Of course, I then get back to work and have a very hard time fitting into my parking spot, (parallel to the building) because the person who has the first spot didn't pull all the way forward. She had just gotten out of her car when I pulled up. She looked at the space, looked at her car, frowned, and left. On the way to her building (next door) she took frequent peeks back, checking out my progress and frowning. At the door to her building, she stopped and watched, as I tried for the third, and successful, time to get my taurus into that spot! Sigh. I already have issues with other drivers anyway and things like this don't help!

I have added a link to the side. Whether you agree or disagree with the war in Iraq, our soldiers are over there, worrying, working, and feeling lonely. If you read this, and can help, click the link. The organization will send a care package on your behalf, or if you have the time to make and ship a package on your own, you can link thru the site on the side to the parent site, and you click on a name and they tell you want they want/need in their unit, to make life mildly bearable in 130 degree heat.

God bless

Life plods along

Honestly, not much has happened since my last post. My life tends to be like that, just plodding along. In a way, that's good. It means that nothing really horrible is happening, and little things like fame on dvd can excite me.

But somehow, it's not really the life I pictured for myself. I suppose no one truly gets the life they pictured. Our childhood pictures aren't based in reality. When we are kids, we are unaware of the realities of the grownup world. I had my whole life mapped out by the time I was 13 or so. I saw my cousin go thru the same thing. From the time she was 14 or so, her plan was get married, be a teacher, live next door to her best friend (who would also be a teacher) have 2 kids (boy first then a girl) She's 22 now, living with a pretty great guy, and working at a financial institution (having majored in business in college) and living in a totally different state then her friend (who also skipped on the teacher idea)

It's kind of like those sitcom episodes where they find some old list of things they wanted to accomplish by a certain age, and they go crazy trying to figure out how to do those things on the list. We can never accomplish all the things on our childhood lists. Some things are very unrealistic and not based on what talents and gifts we have, but ones we wish we possessed.

How is it that we end up so far from the pictures we created for ourselves as kids?

Although, part of the picture is there for me, I am a prosecutor. I just somehow thought it would be more vibrant, exciting, challenging and different every day than it actually is. People keep committing the same sorts of crimes, thefts, auto burgs, assaults and batteries, vandalism and drugs. There are only a few possiblities on how to deal with these kids and their crimes.

FAME and a wonderful website

Here's the website first: http://www.tvshowsondvd.com . It lists the shows that are available on dvd and lets you vote on shows you would like to see on dvd. It also has a section entitled news items added. You do have to "log in" get a password etc. but it's free and there is no junk mail because of it. Here's the great part, when one of the shows you voted for hits dvd, they do email you and let you know. Tonight, I got news that season one of FAME will hit dvd in Nov. Finally! If you read my 100 things, one thing I listed was that junk ends up on dvd and not good shows. Three good shows I meant were Fame, China Beach, and Scarecrow & Mrs. King. Hearing that one of the 3 is finally being released thrills me no end. Fame and Scarecrow have great memories for me. I watched both shows with my mom. Scarecrow was on monday nights and we both made sure we didn't work that night so we could watch it! Fame and China beach were also watched with one of my college friends that I still am close to. So this is a very exciting night for me. Since I don't have kids (yet), little things like this have to bring me joy.

Speaking of kids, thanks Will and Ran for your support of the adoption idea. Some of my cali friends try to gently discourage me, thinking that being a single mom would be too hard. I know once it happens they will be there for me and help me out, but the subtle words sadden me. So thanks. My Mom supports the idea too, and that's who really matters (besides God of course)

(see how much I'm learning will, I inserted a web link!)

God bless.

Epiphanies

Last night, just before going to bed, I had an epiphany. For a few years now, I have been planning on buying a house and then a year or so later adopting a child. I had to wait til I paid off my car and got sufficient raises that I could pay my student loans, a mortgage, and all the other added expenses of owning a home. Unfortunately, during that time period, the housing market has reached crazy numbers and I still can't afford a home where I live. I am 36, and the idea of waiting 2 more years to get the house and another 1-2 for the adoption wasn't sitting well with me. Also, with the mortgage so high, even if I could afford the payment, I could never afford a child. The other reason this was so fixed in my head, was that I planned on buying a house and selling it to my parents when they moved here in 7-8 years. To make sure they could afford it. I would sell it cheap! My mom informed me that they aren't going to move here til they are at the nursing home stage, which hopefully won't be for another 20 years. And while that seriously depresses me (my mom is my best friend and seeing her twice a year is not nearly enough--my parents live in Florida) I know that they love Florida and that not having to buy a house that they would like to sort of frees me up a little.

But that wasn't the epiphany. It was the realization that I don't have to BUY a house to adopt, I just need to live in one. That solves all the money issues and the money I had saved for the house could be used for the adoption expenses! The rent will be a bit higher, but not that bad and the extra money would go for child care! So, I intend to start looking for rentals!

I know being a single parent will be hard. I have no illusions about that. But, for some reason God has seen fit to keep me single, something I would have never imagined would happen. Somewhere in my heart and soul, I know that being single does not mean that I can't be a mom, and that God isn't prohibiting that. I am fairly well convinced the whole adoption idea came from Him in the first place, not from me. Somewhere, out there, is a child that will be born into a very bad life, and God wants me to fix that. He will match us together, just as if she had grown in my womb. And neither of us will be alone or lonely, both of us will know love and the joys of being a family. God placed the desire to be a mother in me at age 12, the same times I received the desire to be a prosecutor. The second has happened. The first, hopefully soon. And I have lots of brownie points w/ my friends here in Cali. I help with their kids all the time and they have said they would be happy to help me as needed. So I won't truly be alone. So that's my epiphany. I don't need to buy the house, just rent it.

God bless

passport

I am a bit excited. I went and applied for a passport today. I will get the passport by Sept. 28th. I have never had a passport, and except for a brief (by which I mean less than an hour) excursion into Canada from Alaska, I have never been out of the country. I am planning on being out of the country in March. I am planning on going to El Salvador! And even tho it's so far away, little things, like applying for the passport make it seem close and I can hardly wait! It's something very different from the normal routine of my life. Actually, my life has SUCH a routine to it, that it seems boring. I hear about friends kids and my neices and nephews and know that is true life. Ah well. God had different plans for me, I guess.
God bless

more muppets and a strange summer

First, I made an error when discussing the Muppets dvd. the "pop ups" are not called muppet nuggets they are called muppet morsels, which is much better and makes more sense, the alliteration.

The weather has been very weird this summer. I live in California. We get rain from late October til early april. This summer, it rained twice in July (one was just a spritzing) and it really rained on Aug. 15th!!! Unheard of. In all the years I have been in Northern Cal. (about 12 years) I have never seen it rain in the summer. My area also set a record, 31 days in a row over 100 deg. Even tho it's a record, that is more normal for this time of year.

God bless.

muppets

I have watched the first disc, which had 6 episodes and half of the second. Boy was Miss Piggy different that first year. Her eyes are a different shape and she's barely in the show at all. If you watch the disc with the "muppet nuggets" turned on, it's like a vh-1 popup. little facts appear on the screen, and they don't really mess up the show. There are skits that were never seen in the US, they were in the britian television airing only. but they put them in the episode for the disc set. (you find out which ones were cut when the nuggets are turned on) They were fun to watch. In the first episode, Kermit is drinking a glass of milk, and the milk is actually disappearing from the glass. Kermit looks up and says "think about it folks." and goes back to sipping the milk. Another muppet finishes the milk off. I just loved that line. I haven't watched the bloopers yet, they are on disc 4 and I am watching in order.

poetry

Since I mentioned this in my 100 things, I thought I'd let all read it. I wrote it Feb. 16, 1989.

Teddy bears
M.J.'s the name
A special gift
for Valentine's Day
Panda
Black and White
holding eight white and red balloons
Beary special person
Beary special senders
Friends
Panda
Represents:
Love
Joy
Hope
A smile
M.J.
A panda
A teddy bear.

It's not as great as a poem as I remember it being. All well. I also mentioned the wall that goes up when I attempt to act. I wrote a poem about that. I wrote it October 13, 1989.

Do they listen to me?
Are try-outs a joke?
No.
Yes.
It's pointless
It's hopeless
I'm good.
On stage, I get scared
I freeze.
Offstage,
No one is better
at acting
than me.

More info on me

Coming up with titles doesn't seem to be an easy task. Tonight when I get home, I am going to try to add a photo! I don't own a digital camera, but I have many saved photos from when I borrowed one.

One thing I left off my 100 list is that I am in a bowling league. I like bowling. My average is 122 which is up from 109 a year ago. I got my high game ever on the 3rd, a 181. My previous high (set last fall) was 164. I was pretty excited.

Last night, I bought season one of the Muppet Show. I mentioned to a friend that I was going to get it and she looked kind of puzzled as to why! How silly of her. I can hardly wait til the weekend when I have time to watch them all and the gag reel they have put on! (muppets messing up lines??) I have the original movie and love the rainbow song. Of course, Kermit is my favorite muppet, but I like them all.

I am home, however, I just realized that I took all the pictures on the digital camera, therefore no pictures of me. such is life. I will have to try scanning a pict in tomorrow and then uploading it.

100 things about me

1. I was born in New Jersey
2. My Dad was a high school football coach and my mom, well, a mom and the best person in the world.
3. I do not say New Jersey that funny way everyone thinks I should. I do say orange and tournament with a New Jersey accent.
4. My family mooved alot. Three different towns in Southern Missouri (aka Misery) Omaha for my senior year of high shool and now they are in Florida.
5. The first big movie I remember seeing was Grease, at a drive in.
6. I have always read, as much as I could.
7. I have one brother, who is still in nebraska.
8. I borrowed this idea of a 100 things from Cyberjazzdaddy's blog
9. I had rk on my eyes in 1994 and love being able to see without glasses.
10. I was accepted into the Air Force JAG, but failed the physical because I had the RK surgery.
11. I am licensed to practice law in two states, CA and MA.
12. I love music and dancing, but have no ability to sing or play an instrument, and my dancing is probably not on the beat.
13. I so very much wanted to play the piano, but the timing never made sense to me, 3/4 time, 4/4 time all the same, quarter notes whole notes all played at the same speed, mine.
14. I did not have friends til I hit college in 1987.
15. I am proud to say that 18 years later I am still close to 3 of those college friends.
16. I always wanted to act, and tried out for plays in high school and college. I wasn't very good at it.
17. At some point, I figured out why I wasn't good at it. I am too afraid of what people will think when I act, and maybe realize that I can act a certain part because I have felt that way. A wall goes up, because I don't want people to laugh.
18. I still have that wall, I tried out for a local community theater play a few years ago and bombed.
19. In college, many of my friends were theatre majors. I played there. Helping out where I could.
20. I am still searching for the love of my life.
21. I am seriously considering adopting a little girl in the next couple of years, being single shouldn't be a hinderance to my dream of being a mom. I'll be a great mom
22. I have wanted to be a prosecutor since I was 12, the same year I decided I wanted to be a mom.
23. When I was 8, I had a life changing event. but it took 4 years to understand how life changing.
24. At 8, a family friend was murdered by her husband. They were divorcing. They had 2 kids. I always said that if my mom died I wanted Carol to be my mom. I still have the rosery she gave me and It was the first funeral I ever attended.
25. It would be would be 22 years before I would attend another funeral. So Carol's had a long lasting impact.
26. When I was 12, my mom told me that Carol's husband was sentenced to 2 years in prison for killing her. That was the most horrible thing I had ever heard. I had to fix the world, I had to see justice done.
27. Now, I know I can't fix the world. But, I can see justice done in my little corner.
28. I was a history major in college and an English minor.
29. My favorite book is Gone with the wind. I read it for the first time in 6th grade. I have reread it many times since.
30. It's also my favorite Movie, making Vivien Leigh my favorite actress.
31. My favorite tv show is M*A*S*H, making Alan Alda my favorite actor.
32. I own over 1100 books. That is my obsession.
33. I detest the CSI shows. They depict a false reality that just confuses real world juries. My crime lab can't do 90% of what they show on tv and juries don't understand that CSI is fiction.
34. My proof, I have a friend that works in a crime lab and people keep asking her if certain tests etc can be done, like CSI and her reply is that those tests don't even exist!!
35. I still own the Hollie Hobbie doll that I was given when I was 5 or 6 years old.
36. My Brother has 5 children. He had 3, and the last was twins, (fraternal) God either tricked them or blessed them.
37. My bro still lives in Nebraska, my parents are in Florida and I am in California. This is kind of sad.
38. I spent 4 years prosecuting felony domestic violence cases and now prosecute juveniles.
39. Right now, I am thinking that finding 100 interesting things about me is very hard!
40. In Nov. 2004, I finally found a home church, it's non-denominaltional.
41. This is a big deal. I have not had a "home church" since I was 15.
42. I have issues with organized religion. I was raised catholic, have been to First Assembly of God, Methodist, baptist, pentacostal, presbeteryn (sp?) and an untold number of nondenominaltional churches.
43. All had rules and regs that had nothing to do with God. Colossions talks about not needing rules and regs.
44. I also had some personal bad experiences.
45. One church sunday school class told be that catholics were going to hell because the worshiped Mary. We had just switched from the catholic church to this one. I stood up said that's not true, we ask her to pray with us to her son and walked out into the middle of the adult service.
46. One bible study group refused to pray for my dad's surgery to go well because I wasn't participating in the New years eve talent show and wasn't staying late at the bible study to watch them rehearse.
47. One church had tons of bible study groups, but none that a single working gal could attend. All women's groups met during the hours of 8-5 on weekdays. And I was too old to be in the "singles" group. It had an age limit. So I asked them if they had a policy against women working and they ignored me.
48. I discovered I had a church by going to my Mom's church while visiting her for Christmas. I reallly didn't like hers, it was INCREDIBLY disorganized. I sat there thinking I don't want to be here I don't want to be here, I want to be at my church. I had to stop and seriously look at that thought. It really suprised me.
49. I accepted Jesus when I was 7. I heard my mom and Carol talking about it and being reborn and waited til my 7th birthday to ask Him into my heart, I was a weird child who didn't want 2 birthdays.
50. I love the ocean and will never live in a state where there isn't an ocean. I am about 2 hrs away from the Pacific. I go there several times a year.
51. I see God very much in nature, including the ocean. The drive is a beautiful one and I feel close to God when I go.
52. I still read alot of history books, mostly holocaust. It still horrifys me that this world let that happen, and that people actually did that to each other.
53. I have a great deal of respect for the survivors, and if they have the courage to relive and write down the worst of their life, everyone should read it.
54. I also read a ton of fantasy books. I really wish I could write one, but..I don't seem to have much artistic ability.
55. In high school we took a test, postive 20 was totaly right brain and -20 was totally left brain. I scored a -19. Good for being a laywer, not good for creativity.
56. My mom is my hero, and my best friend.
57. I do write poetry. I only write when I am severely depressed or hurting in some way. I have only written 3 or 4 happy poems since I started writing 18 years ago.
58. I sometimes write rants too.
59. I have not written too much in the past 8 years, God has been good to me and I am pretty content. College was where I did most of my writing, going thru growing pains.
60. I would never change anything in my life because it would change who I am today, and I like who I am today. It took me many years to be able to say that. Because of great friends believing in me in college, I got there.
61. I hate football, and most other sports. But especially football. I like figure skating tho.
62. I love Thomas Kinkade paintings.
63. I have Thomas Kinkade post cards decorating one of my office walls. I have about 30 of them.
64. I won a Thomas Kinkade painting from Hallmark, in a drawing the year they started having Kinkade ornaments.
65. I wish I could paint sunsets.
66. I like to cross-stitch, which sounds creative, but not really. I am following someone else's pattern, I like counted cross-stitch not the kind where the picture is printed on the fabric.
67. I am friends with 2 couples in my hometown. I love to watch their kids. I am an honorary aunt to many and a real aunt to 5.
68. These friends make me feel like family and it's never weird that they are couples and I am single. Well, almost never and the weird is on my part because I wish to be part of a couple and I get envious sometimes.
69. I am amazed at the inability of teens to spell simple words like "while" (whil) and even more amazed that their parents are just as bad! (the kids and parents often write stuff for court processes and I have the "pleasure" of reading it.)
70. I love playing spades at pogo.com and I play chess and a game called Rail Barons. Which is really cool.
71. I wish they would put Scarecrow and Mrs. King and the tv show Fame on DVD. They put a ton of crap, but not the good stuff.
72. I don't own a digital camera. I did borrow one recently. It was an interesting experience. I think I still like the film cameras better. It's certainly cheaper to get the film developed than printing the digital pictures. I had to buy 2 color ink jets ($68) and photo paper ($28) That's $96. The film and developing would have cost $46.
73. I still live in an apt. but hope to buy a house or condo soon.
74. I am terrified of dogs. I have been bitten twice and all my friends put their dogs out when I come over.
75. I love italian sausage, lobster, chips and good salsa, and popcorn. I tend to eat cereal for dinner and I don't cook.
76. I am most comfortable in shorts and a t-shirt.
77. I watch a lot of tv. Happens when you are single.
78. Despite the myth's, I am not a "rich" lawyer, I work for the county and they never have money. I earn a good living, a huge chunk of which goes to pay off my student loans. Which should be paid off in the year 2017. Which is much better than the loan company's plan, which would have them paid off in about 2029.
79. I was a pretty straight arrow kid. My parents kept telling me if I wanted to be a lawyer I had to be very good.
80. I only wear makeup while in trial, juries expect that. I usually only wear jewerly while in trial too.
81. I do wear one ring on my right pinky that my mom gave me. I almost never take it off.
82. I attempted to play basketball in high school. I sat on the bench alot.
83. I also tried track, I was happy if I didn't come in last.
84. I only listen to christian music. I listen to KLOVE at home and in the car and AIR1 at work via the internet.
85. I buy alot of books and dvd's.
86. I was bummed that CBS cancelled Joan of Arcadia. Actually, mad would be a better word.
87. I have road rage issues. It's a good thing that I live in a smallish town and only have a 10 min commute (and it's that long because lights tend to turn red when they see me coming)
88. I love roller coasters and every year one college friend and I celebrate our birthdays by going to an amusement park. This year was our 6th annual trip.
89. I still go home for Christmas every year, to Florida, where my parents live.
90. I drive a Ford Taurus, which I like. In 6 or more years, when I get a new car I would want to get a hybrid.
91. I have had only one serious boyfriend in my life, and had he asked at the right time, I would have married him. Which would have been a mistake. He didn't believe in God or want children. I thought those things would change when he got older. I was wrong.
92. I have driven across country several times.
93. I would like to visit Ireland.
94. I am planning on visiting El Salvador in 2006
95. I still own clothes that I bought while in college, and can fit into some (but not all) of them. 96. I have joined a gym to see about fitting into some of my clothes again.
97. I know that God loves me.
98. My favorite color is blue.
99. I like hot weather better than cold, and never want to live where it snows again. I'll visit snow, but don't want to live in it!
100. A few years ago, I won a cruise to Alaska. My mom and I went. Alaska is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. It is so very green and has tons of flowers! I loved the trip.

brand new to this world!

Well, I have been reading a friend's blog and decided it might be a fun and interesting thing to do, create my own blog that is. I have no idea what I am doing!
I had to pick a web address, that took a lot of thinking. My choice is in part dedicated to my friend and his wife. (his blog is cyberjazzdaddy)